Harry and Ron hated their divination lessons. Hermione stormed out of one, never to return again. Professor Trelawney was a real nut-job. I could feel the pain of these characters as I read the Harry Potter books; divination always seemed like such a farce. But now I think that maybe they didn’t have it so bad after all. I mean, all they had to do was make up a bunch of dreams and detect patterns in tea-leaves. It’s not like they had to do what S.S. Singh does in real life to predict the future – analyze human poop.
Believe it or not, poop-analysis is a real branch of divination study. It even has a name – Scatomancy. Singh is one of the few practitioners of this long-lost art and he is being featured in a documentary called ‘Journey to Planet Sanity’, releasing Dec 6th. I just watched a video clip of Singh analyzing some poop and… oh well, what can I say? It’s as disgusting as it sounds.
“It’s a lost art,” says Singh. “You’d be surprised how accurate it actually is.” What really surprise me are the events in the video clip. This is what happens: In the film, skeptic Blake Freeman is travelling around the United States with his friend, Leroy Tessina. Leroy is paranoid about aliens and paranormal activity, and has spent his life savings on protecting himself from such things. Freeman needs to convince Leroy to go on this trip with him, and so he takes Leroy to see Singh.
And what does Singh do? He asks Leroy to take a dump in the toilet, with the instructions, “When you are done, please don’t flush.” Afterwards, he collects the poop in a nice white bowl, floating in its own toilet fluids. Singh sits down on the floor and regards the fecal matter with care. Finally, he speaks: “So you are in transition right now. The nugget suggests you support a family member or friend in a project.” At this point, Freeman’s face is worth looking at. He looks torn between wanting to laugh and puke at the same time.
“The log shaped cigar suggests leadership, strength, length and longevity,” Singh proclaims. He then proceeds to do the unthinkable. He reaches out into the bowl and picks up a piece. Freeman cannot hold it in any longer. “You’re just going to pick that up with your hand?” he asks in disbelief. Singh responds by bringing the poop closer to his face, taking a long sniff and saying, “You have to get into it. The stronger the aroma, the more accurate the prediction.”
Singh then gives his conclusion – Tessina should go on the trip. Freeman says in disbelief, “I told him that and I haven’t even touched his doody!”
I just have one question for Singh: “Why?”